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Herb Tarlek

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RIP Gordon Jump [23 Sep 2003|04:57pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Today is an incredibly sad day.

The Big Guy's gone up to The Big Lake In The Sky to fish his days away in peace.

Let's all take a moment in silence.


[05 Jun 2003|03:56pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I brushed my teeth with Brylcreem today. Not too bad, actually. Better than the time I brushed with Preparation H. Then an old lady flipped me the bird on the way to work; who says pedestrians have the right of way anyway? It's not my fault that I'd spilled my coffee on my crotch and was too busy to notice she was crossing--I was distracted.

I need to talk to the Big Guy about a raise, I'm getting low on white belts and shoes.


hanging with the guys [22 May 2002|01:26am]
[ mood | confused ]

Johnny and Venus were heading out in the morning for beers and taquitos at the local taco stand. Johnny says that drinking beer in the morning is what's kept him looking so young and vibrant all these years. I wouldn't know, I've never seen him without his sunglasses on.

Venus and Johnny were in a heated discussion about whether the El Camino is a truck or a car. Venus insisted that it was a car, but Johnny was steadfast (and accurate, in my opinion) that it was, indeed, a truck. A little truck. I love the way Venus' fro bounces a little when he gets all worked up.

We passed Jennifer and Bailey in the hall where Jennifer, seemingly quite pleased with herself was in the midst of explaining some sort of new medication to Baily called "the morning after". I don't know. I don't get in with those female-cramp problems or whatever. I make Lucille sleep in a small hut in the back yard when she has her period.

Did I mention that I invited myself out with Johnny and Venus? Anyways, I did. I had to get involved in this debate about the El Camino and I know they love my company, so I just sort of told them that I'd love to join them. As usual, they seemed pleased.

So we're passing Jennifer and Bailey in the hall and I can't help but give Jennifer a little smack on the tush when I walk by. She loves the attention I pay her. But then Bailey got all pissy and huffy about it, I guess she felt left out. Next time I'll have to remember to tell Bailey that her chest is looking bigger. Chicks love to hear that stuff.

Johnny asked Venus if they should ask Andy to join them, and Venus thought it was a good idea. I told them that I thought it would be cooler if just us "boys" went out for beers. They didn't quite seem to follow what I meant. Haven't they checked out Andy's hair lately? His hair is so feathered he could be a Las Vegas dancer. And what straight man on the face of this planet with the name Andrew calls themselves 'Andy'?

I was shocked that they didn't seem to see any of the signs I did. I digressed and dropped the subject. The two of them were looking at me as if my head was on fire, and I didn't like it.

Andy was just climbing out of his Jeep when we got outside and Johnny and Venus called him over asking him to come out for a few quick ones before the day started. Andy said that he could use a drink after the night he had. He said that his date kept him up all night long, if we knew what he meant.

Johnny and Venus laughed and slapped him on the back. I stood there shaking my head. Was I the only one that saw through this facade? Andy said, "What's wrong, Herb? Is that white belt too tight? Cutting off circulation to the top half of your body and affecting your hearing?" Venus and Johnny guffawed, but that's just because they're ass kissers.

"It takes a strong man to wear a white belt and shoes, Andy. Not many guys could pull it off." I said, smirking at him and walking over to Les' brown station wagon. He just pulled in, his face all covered with fresh bandaids. I figured he might as well come, too.

Les smelled like those little card board pine trees he has hanging all over his car. I told him he ought to try some musk, or something. "Lucille sells Avon, they sell some manly scents," I said to Les as he took his brief case out of the back of his car. "Avon," he replied, looking appalled, "that stuff is really expensive." He shook his head and looked malevolent for a moment, "Mother would never let me spend my money so frivolously," he said, his voice dark, and unlike Les. He was gripping his breif case so hard that his knuckles were white.

I heard Andy, Johnny and Venus laugh as they peeled out of the parking lot. They must have gotten caught up in a good joke and not realized I wasn't in the car yet.

I walked back into the building wondering what on earth Les could have needed with all that rope, fire-starter and gasoline he had in his trunk. Bet he's having some bar-b-que at his place this weekend.


another day, another dime [07 Apr 2002|06:12am]
[ mood | confused ]

So insanity was ranking the top of the hit list at work today. First off, Jennifer was all over me. I mean, I couldn't peel her off, she couldn't get enough of me. On top of that I heard her mutter to Bailey that I'm "Herbalicious" when she passed through the office. Like that comes as a big surprise. I knew she wanted me. I was hanging out in the reception area, because, you know, Jennifer likes it when I do that. I ended up jumping up when Jennifer dropped a pencil and leaned over to get it. I could see all the way down to her navel, I swear it! I think she does that on purpose. Anyways, I jumped up and hit my head on one of Jennifers potted plants. Next thing I know, I wake up and I'm in the Big Guy's office. I could have sworn AC was playing with toys when I woke up, but it could have been my imagination, seeing as how I was recovering from that terrible blow to my head.

After that I went out for an 8 martini lunch with a potential client. He left all pissed off about something, I don't know what. I think the potted plant incident really affected me though, because by that time I was seeing two of everything. So I might have had 16 martinis, I can't be sure.

When I got back to the office I hid out in Les' office, but everyone found me. I don't know how. Andy was pissed at me because he said that I'd lost an important client, that if I didn't clean up my act that they were going to have to let me go.

Bailey was really nice to me after that and we talked awhile; she let me blow off some steam. She asked me how I can stand the high pressure sales job. I told her the liquor helped and I flog the purple headed yogurt slinger on every coffee break, and it seems to help take the pressure off. She left for lunch shortly after that and I haven't really seen her since.

Anyways, that about sums my day at the office up. Tough job, but somebody's got to do it.


Les is hiding in his "office" [26 Mar 2002|11:29am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

click this to hear what I said to Les about his ensemble that he was going to wear to the awards banquet. Then I told him this and now he won't talk to me. I don't know why.

Some people are so sensitive.


Looks like it'll be another long weekend. [20 Mar 2002|01:35am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

The big guy is going fishing this weekend and I asked if I could come along, he said no. I asked Jennifer out for lunch today, she said no. I asked Les if he wanted to come to a flea market this weekend with me, he said no. I told Johnny that I was going to go bowling tonight, he walked away from me (I think he was sleep walking). Andy even said that he had a date this weekend.

Man, what's happening to everyone?

I guess I'll have to spend time with Lucille and the kids. She'll be the death of me yet.


I'm a cool guy, so... [12 Mar 2002|01:05am]
[ mood | okay ]

I think I want to buy an El Camino. Yeah!


[01 Mar 2002|06:19pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I had to go to the doctors today for a physical. He checked my prostate, and I think he liked it. I think it's time for a new doctor.

All hell broke loose at the station today because Mama Carlson showed up and was dishing out the misery. She is one scary woman. I don't envy The Big Guy one bit for having a mother like that.

Was it just me, or was Mama hitting on Andy today?


Home sweet home. [26 Feb 2002|05:59pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I bought Lucille the fondue set she'd been admiring and she let me move back in. Staying at Johnny's wasn't bad, but he has no internet, so no porn at 3am. He listens to weird music, too. Like Chuck Berry. I tried to turn him on to Neil Sedaka, but he wasn't having it. Not everyone can have my good taste.

I have to go, Herb the Third is running around naked with his sisters doll.


Everyone loves my class and style. [25 Feb 2002|11:21am]
[ mood | numb ]

I came home drunk last night muttering to myself about Jennifer and Lucille threw me out. I was going to tell Jennifer that I'd stay with her, because I know she wants me to, but I think that I'd be better to stay with Dr Johnny Fever. Besides, I overheard him say THIS to Andy. How could I let him down? I'm just going to pack my slides and I'm off to his place.


sex, lies and videotape [24 Feb 2002|09:23pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Off to a party at Jennifer Marlowe's. Bailey and Johnny are picking me up. Maybe Jennifer will ask me to stay after the party to help her "clean up". I'd better go put on some more cologne and get my bowling ball. I told Lucille that I was on the WKRP bowling team. She's so gullible.


[24 Feb 2002|11:14am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Lucille is at her ceramics class and I'm just surfing the internet for porn.

Hit on a girl at work--no reaction. I know she wants me, how can't she? I'm suave, debonaire, and no one can resist Hi Karate cologne.


[24 Feb 2002|06:51am]
Bunny: And Mommy took away all Herb the Third's dolls, and told me to keep my mouth shut or he'd break my arm.

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